2021 Reflections

Hey fam,

I wanted to take some time to collect my thoughts. So much has happened this year. Many big, great things. Many revelations. Many tears. Many opportunities. Many challenges. Many of everything that makes life.

I have spent the past year constantly surrounded by people and as an extroverted introvert, I have felt tired and extremely overwhelmed this holiday season. I have spent the last three days with very little contact with people and it has given me some time and space to think about the year.

I did many things different this year. Starting with saying yes to myself, and making a conscious effort not to step aside, but to step up... and it has paid off. Many great things came from that, skill, lessons, practice, opportunity, embarrassment, pride, fear, confidence.

Big takeaways from this year:

1. Having a good attitude, being on time/early, trying my best and communicating are the only things I actually care about when I think about my effort.

Mindset matters. It can send you down to the pits of despair or carry you up mountains. Having ample time is critical in assessing situations and making good decisions. Being afraid of failing, or succeeding has stopped me in the past from trying my best, and trying precedes failure, and failure precedes success. Listening to myself and communicating what I think and feel (within reason) is important in self respect and confidence, and takes practice.

2. Pray for the hungry, and then feed them.

I need to pray more, and love more and judge less. I need to send thoughts and prayers, but then I need to take action (no matter how small) to help.

3. I have much learning and unlearning to do.

The more I learn, the more I need to learn.

It's very simple, what do you want?

Coping with trauma is not the same as resolving it.

Compassion is not just about treating others how you want to be treated, but about having empathy and treating others how they need to be treated.

You cannot change anyone, you can simply be an example.

Not every interaction with a woman has to be pleasant.

Sometimes, it's actually not my fault.

Things I did great this year:

Trying my best even when I was scared or it was hard.

Being uncomfortable in order to grow.

Knowing my physical boundaries.

Hardships

The grief of my past relationship really hit hard this year. All year long. From January through December. I have been more lonely than ever, despite spending more time with friends and people than ever. I have fostered my relationship with many friends and I am very proud of that. But I have been constantly triggered by a picture, or scent, or flash of a memory that pops in my head randomly, or a reaction that I have. I am lonely. But I am scared to be with anyone. I feel tremendous guilt over my past relationship and it has been excruciating sifting through situations, trying to find truth and answers.

I realized that I do not voice my feelings often, and when prompted, I am so unfamiliar with it that I will literally become speechless. This year, this has been challenged to the extreme and I did not always voice my feelings, which led to worse situations, and then the feelings of guilt, humiliation, shame, disgust, and now PTSD. I have let people control me because I don't speak up. Ugh I couldn't hate anything more. I want to be someone that stands up for what I believe in no matter what- no matter if I'll be fired, no matter if they won't like me or will think I'm a bitch, no matter if I will bullied after, no matter if it's uncomfortable, no matter if anyone else feels the way I do, no matter what.

Things I Would Like More of in 2022:

More failure.

More trust in myself.

More acknowledging my feelings out loud.

More love.

More dancing and laughing.

More doing what I want.

More healthy food.

More manifesting.

Here is to a new year, and continuing on this journey of life. Here is to loving the process and being patient with myself. Here is to all the people that have crossed paths with me, good or bad, I'm thankful for you and I wish you the best.

Happy New Year, I hope you have happiness and peace this coming year<3

2022, let's do this.

<3 Kwoka