It is what it is.

Hey fam,

I wanted to take some time to write a more serious post and express myself on a more vulnerable level and talk more about my mental health, because I don't talk about mine all that much.

We've all heard, and likely said this phrase at some point in our life. For whatever reason. I've heard several people tell me that they don't like that phrase, and truthfully, I don't think I like this phrase all that much either.

To me, this statement is about awareness, but it also has implications about action. It is what it is. This is the reality and there's nothing to do to alter that. It's a cat, and there is nothing you can do about that. The literal example, however, is probably not how you may have heard it. And context matters. More like, I'm 5 inches taller than the average female, I'm a tall girl, like, it is what it is. Or how about when someone does something to upset you and you're coming to terms like, okay, they did that, it is what it is.

But how about when it's in an argument, and you can't seem to come to an agreement. Maybe you even agree to disagree because it just is what it is. But what if in the argument, one person is unwilling to compromise and then it just is what it is...

Sometimes "It is what it is" can feel like an avoidance or unwillingness of confronting an issue.

If there is more we can do, this kind of feels like an excuse not take a healthy action. And in some cases, there may be actions but we may be unable to take them. And this could be for a number of reasons. Now, if those are non-negotiables, should we compromise on them? No, probably not. But if they're not, it feels like that person isn't willing to put in the effort required to maintain the health of the relationship. So sometimes, I think we use it as an escape. Like, I just don't sleep well so it is what it is. And that in some cases can also feel like a pass-off of accountability.

The biggest reason I wanted to write about this was because I find it hard to distinguish between reason and excuse in some situations revolving around my mental health.

During the month of December, I was apart of Noisy Nest's Artist Accountability group that my sister moderates. It's super awesome, I basically attribute my career success in the timeline that I have done it to being apart of the group for a couple of years now. I can't speak more highly of this group! Each month, artists of all mediums come together and everyone picks an individual goal to work on. We all have a zoom first meeting where you get a buddy, and you are buddy to someone else. You talk about your goals and the group lightly contributes encouragement, feedback, past experience, etc I have learned so much from this group. After 2-3 weeks, we all meet again and we talk about how the time went, how it made us feel, and we celebrate the things we accomplished.

This month, my goal was to complete 14 acts of self love in the two week period before our Show-and-Tell meeting. I travelled during that time, and it was very difficult for me to remember to do that. And I thought, I just didn't have time, like it is what it is... but is it?

I had a couple of things that would take 3-5 mins so it wasn't really what it was. I just didn't prioritize it.

So, yes, it is what it is, that I didn't do it. But when I say it like that, it makes me feel like I'm letting myself off the hook and I don't need to take action about it. And I'm not sure that feels right to me because my mental health is a priority. (Or it needs to be, since I didn't really demonstrate that it was a priority in those couple days.)

Disliking this phrase though does seem like it could also be a slippery slope.

I can already feel myself getting frustrated that I dropped the ball in those couple days. And saying "it is what it is" feels like I am passing off the accountability, whereas, "I didn't make it a priority" takes ownership of my mistake. I guess I put quite a bit of weight onto it because I didn't do what I said I was going to do. And this hurts. While ownership is great, I am already feeling like I dropped the ball, so do I need to make a formal statement about it? Or am I just bullying myself?

I can be so hard on myself and It is so hard for me to just let it be what it is sometimes.

I think I can also have more compassion when I listen to the phrase from others. By really listening to what they are saying. As context matters, if I understand what the person is saying, I can distinguish what type of "It is what it is". And then have compassion. Because most likely, if the phrase is coming out, it is likely because that person may feel unable to take action. And they likely would appreciate some compassion. So writing this makes me feel like I need to do this to myself lol so here is some compassion.

So here's me sitting down and having a moment-

Kwoka (and anyone this applies to),

It's okay to let things just be. Even if there is action to take, we don't have to take it right now and we don't have to even take it at all. You are not wasting your time, you are resting and refueling. Give yourself a break. You have done so many things this year that you forget about because you have done so much. It is okay to drop the ball. It is okay to take days off. It is okay to need to be alone. It is okay to not like someone and for someone to not like you. It is okay to feel negative emotions. It is okay to tell friends your accomplishments. And it is okay to tell them your troubles. It is okay to need space. It is okay say no, and it is okay to make mistakes. You are a dreamer. You are a warrior. You are a lover.

It's interesting because since I have been really thinking about this concept, the more it appears in my life. It has been not only a tool to help me relax and let go, but also a tool to check myself on if there is more action to take and I'm avoiding it. It has helped me identify, that I'm avoiding something because I'm uncomfortable with it... or because I just simply don't want to do it, which helps me navigate moving forward. Do I need to do this thing? Like, do it and get it done? Or does this thing really NEED to get done, and maybe I don't actually want to do it, and should let it go. I have loved spending time thinking about this phrase.

Coming into this post, I thought I didn't like the phrase, but now I think I like it.

I hope everyone has a joyful, restful, and peaceful holiday season as we move into the new year. Whatever has happened this year, good and bad, has already happened. It is what it is. I hope everyone celebrates their wins, no matter how small, and learns from any losses because that's what makes those L's impactful and important in our journey. I hope everyone is feeling the abundance from the universe or whatever higher power you believe in and the support by loved ones. I hope everyone feels hope for the new year and comfort and clarity in their present.

Happy holidays and happy new year! Cheers to a great 2023 and letting go.

<3 Danielle