The Reality of the Holiday Spirit

Hey Fam,

My last post kinda sounded like I was done for the year... but I guess not!

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season. But the truth is not everyone is. It is some people's first Christmas or New Year without their partner, friend, sister, father, son, etc. and this season can bring up so many emotions. Alongside that, the end of the quarter can bring up more pressing deadlines and last minute tasks that require attention; not to mention it being the end of the year. Lots of loose ends to tie up, quotas to hit, things to do, people to see,

And with that, I want to immediately slow and give more compassion to people.

For people who have new additions or strong traditions to a family, it can bring pressure for perfection.

For anyone going through loss, it can be a trigger for depression.

For people going through additional holiday stress, it can be a trigger for anxiety.

...While all trying to remember the bows and lights, and the holiday spirit. I've read and written blogs about slowing down and being present in this time of year to remember the whole point of Christmas...

But the reality is the holiday spirit could in and of itself, be a time of grief or anger or unresolved emotion.

I think it is so common to ask people if they are going 'home' for the holidays, Or if they are traveling. And I think it's very common that people are in fact going 'home' or traveling to see family. This can bring up so much. It brings up the opportunity to interact with family members that you don't necessarily get along with or see things eye to eye, maybe even leading to arguments or fighting. It also brings up the opportunity to revisit passed memories, positive or negative. And I think it certainly brings up the the need to have this happy and perfect time of year, which can be an mounting pressure.

While there is opportunity to have great times and be around people you love, it also feels like there is so much opportunity to being triggered around the end of the year. There are so many different things that could be triggering and so many opportunities for them to come up. This time of year can be incredibly difficult.

Unfortunately, I have recently heard of multiple tragedies of suicide. And it does have me a bit rocked. Some are older and isolated, some are partnered with children.

My brain has felt scrambled, how could this be? No common thread between the events. Nothing to truly attribute those actions to. And one of the devastating things about these unfortunate events is that we will never be able to truly understand why. We will never get answers. What a strong definite.

And it's just so big to wrap my head around.

I know in my depression that a sinking feeling of hopelessness is debilitating. For me, I feel tremendous guilt for past actions and great sadness for harsh truths or things out of my control. Sometimes, I have a really hard time finding my value.

And those feelings are scary when they are strong. Sometimes I feel lost, like 'I don't know what to do to make it better.'

When those feelings are strong, I do find it really hard to know what will make me feel better, which can paralyze me. I can't imagine if those feelings were to the ^nth degree. And maybe that's what drives people to take the worst action.

A moment in respect to those victims.

I know there have been times where I am paralyzed with anxiety or exhaustion and it has caused me to take no action at all. This usually compiles guilt onto not being productive during that time. Which weighs me down more. There have been times in my life where I have not taken any action for days.

When I decide what will make me feel better and buy in to it, it is easier to know what steps to take and take action. Buy in is the believing it part. The authentic commitment or belief. I decided that writing was better for me and would make me feel better and then I had to wholeheartedly believe it for it to work. For example, today.

I have been feeling a little defeated lately and although I am feeling a bit better, I had a hard day yesterday. I have the day off but I have these Things To Do. I had these thoughts swirling around in my head and although I have a course of action. I'm stopping to take care of my head a little by sitting down and writing. Those other things can wait.

I am enjoying my coffee with my furbaby on my lap and I am writing the thoughts that I've had in the holiday season about the holiday spirit. This feels good. And here is a previous post about Doing What Feels Good

Each day is different, and buy in is easy some days and seemingly impossible others.

Some days we feel stronger, some days, we may feel our emotions a little deeper. Some days, we don't have many encounters with triggers; some days, there is a trigger around every corner. All of these things are variables that make each day different. Especially as each day piles on more information.

Today, the feeling of buy in for what I wanted to do led me to several actions in a rather quick pace. Partly, so I wouldn't lose motivation and partly, because I was motivated and understood the direction.

To be able to sit down for a while, I needed to eat, so I put my purse, shoes, and jacket away and ate a quick greek yogurt. While I ate, I made some notes on the concepts that was inspiring me to write, including some of these lines to help keep me on track. I grabbed my laptop and my coffee and set it up at the table. I expressed my thoughts and enjoyed an hour to myself and for myself.

I am so proud of myself for writing this but bigger, for sharing it. I often write and express my feelings on paper but when I go to share, I find it may be inappropriate or too private, or honestly the purposeless of sharing. But the truth is, I have had people tell me they feel the same way when I have shared my thoughts, which makes me feel like my writing is worth being read in case it's helpful or relatable. But also, for people who don't relate to these feelings, here is an opportunity to try and understand this kind of person better, maybe you know someone who feels this way and you can better support someone who feels this way.

It's scary to be vulnerable because just as the chances are that this helps someone, are the same chances that someone else finds me crazy. But maybe that can be helpful in adding compassion into this world. Which we can always use more.

I hope everyone feels a sense of purpose this season. I hope for everyone to feel a sense of peace, worth, and clarity this holiday season and that we can find comfort and homes in ourselves to share with those around us. I hope everyone feels loved, seen, heard and supported by loved ones this holiday season. I hope we feel happiness in the truth of who we are . I hope those hurting at this time find relief, even if it's through grieving. And I hope everyone gives and receives more love and compassion.

Happy holidays and happy New Year.

<3 Danielle Kwoka